Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Just Different

Know how it's hard to know what someone means when they say..."She's...different." Somehow it has a negative connotation, although you almost immediately have to ask the person, "Well, what do you mean, different? How is she different?"

So why do I feel different? And what do I even mean when I say that? Somehow it seems I am a little more dreamy these days, and less practical; a little more laid back and less on top of things. What if my whole life escapes me? I fear that I will never have a career I enjoy. That I will never meet someone who is a good match for me that I can marry and have a family with. It's hard with my 20 year old sister getting married in May and my 23 year old sister ridiculously happy and in love and headed down the marriage path.

Am I...different? At times I wonder if it's worth all the criteria. They must be this way, and do that, and have these goals in life and be this tall. Am I aiming for Neptune? Maybe I need to come down to earth...yet they say don't lower your standards, don't "settle." I definitely could've been married by now, but I knew in my heart it wasn't right.

I feel different at work too. There is no drive, no motiviation. I find my mind escaping to far away lands and wondering if I am in the wrong location, wrong profession, etc. Maybe my dream job AND soulmate are in California, and why shouldn't I move there? Ya I'd be away from family and it'd be expensive, but I could manage and live simply. Find some roommates and work at the VA in San Diego. Even job hunt on the side or look into graduate school.

I'm about to be 26 and things just feel different. I feel way more mature than I did this time last year. I have much more insight, foresight, and hindsight. I think a lot more and weigh my actions more carefully. I might've lost a little spontaneity, a little craziness...and I kinda miss that sometimes.

I look at my little world here in Waco and I start to feel like the walls are closing in. When I drove back in from Christmas break with the family, I thought to myself that things just feel "different." I really don't want to be here anymore. I'm so over Waco. I love my friends here, but I feel this instinctive thing telling me it's time to move on. It's like the tide is trying to carry me out, and I keep trying to swim back to what's familiar. I keep finding reasons to stay. Yet my heart longs and wonders for what is "out there" in the deep blue.

I've always had a sense of adventure, but I haven't been the best at taking risks and entering into the unknown. I'm tired of holding back. I want to live life! The thought of retiring with 20 years of service at the VA makes me want to vomit. I want to have many job experiences and live in different locations. I long for diversity, for delicious ethnic food options, and learning new skills. I want to open a jewelry business with my sisters.

Who knows when I will get married, but I want to look back on the years of being single and know that I didn't waste them. I want to know more. See more. Do more. Enjoy more. These things that I allow to stress me out are really not worth it. I am seeing the picture through a pinhole right now. If only I could see the whole panorama of my life. Wow, I think it would be too much to take in! All the beauty mixed with despair, unmet potential paired with realized opportunities, dead ends, little victories, tears, laughs and just all of it! How will I die, I wonder? God's got good plans for me while I am here, and I want to go on an adventure with him to find them. Being safe is kinda boring.

I just want to feel free. I want to be in love. Madly in love. Is that so much to ask for? I'm trying not to expect and just live. I need to live with hope, though, not self-pity or pessimism. I don't think God is discouraged by my un-married state. My parents may be, but God is not, so why should I dwell on it?

Jesus, lead my life. You say that if I trust you and acknowledge you in all my ways, you will make my paths straight (Prov:3:5-6). Help me not to get wrapped up in the worries of this world so much so that it chokes out my joy or makes me want to give up. Put a spring in my step that would lead me toward a new direction. I pray you'd open a window for me.

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