Know how it's hard to know what someone means when they say..."She's...different." Somehow it has a negative connotation, although you almost immediately have to ask the person, "Well, what do you mean, different? How is she different?"
So why do I feel different? And what do I even mean when I say that? Somehow it seems I am a little more dreamy these days, and less practical; a little more laid back and less on top of things. What if my whole life escapes me? I fear that I will never have a career I enjoy. That I will never meet someone who is a good match for me that I can marry and have a family with. It's hard with my 20 year old sister getting married in May and my 23 year old sister ridiculously happy and in love and headed down the marriage path.
Am I...different? At times I wonder if it's worth all the criteria. They must be this way, and do that, and have these goals in life and be this tall. Am I aiming for Neptune? Maybe I need to come down to earth...yet they say don't lower your standards, don't "settle." I definitely could've been married by now, but I knew in my heart it wasn't right.
I feel different at work too. There is no drive, no motiviation. I find my mind escaping to far away lands and wondering if I am in the wrong location, wrong profession, etc. Maybe my dream job AND soulmate are in California, and why shouldn't I move there? Ya I'd be away from family and it'd be expensive, but I could manage and live simply. Find some roommates and work at the VA in San Diego. Even job hunt on the side or look into graduate school.
I'm about to be 26 and things just feel different. I feel way more mature than I did this time last year. I have much more insight, foresight, and hindsight. I think a lot more and weigh my actions more carefully. I might've lost a little spontaneity, a little craziness...and I kinda miss that sometimes.
I look at my little world here in Waco and I start to feel like the walls are closing in. When I drove back in from Christmas break with the family, I thought to myself that things just feel "different." I really don't want to be here anymore. I'm so over Waco. I love my friends here, but I feel this instinctive thing telling me it's time to move on. It's like the tide is trying to carry me out, and I keep trying to swim back to shore...to what's familiar. I keep finding reasons to stay. Yet my heart longs and wonders for what is "out there" in the deep blue.
I've always had a sense of adventure, but I haven't been the best at taking risks and entering into the unknown. I'm tired of holding back. I want to live life! The thought of retiring with 20 years of service at the VA makes me want to vomit. I want to have many job experiences and live in different locations. I long for diversity, for delicious ethnic food options, and learning new skills. I want to open a jewelry business with my sisters.
Who knows when I will get married, but I want to look back on the years of being single and know that I didn't waste them. I want to know more. See more. Do more. Enjoy more. These things that I allow to stress me out are really not worth it. I am seeing the picture through a pinhole right now. If only I could see the whole panorama of my life. Wow, I think it would be too much to take in! All the beauty mixed with despair, unmet potential paired with realized opportunities, dead ends, little victories, tears, laughs and just all of it! How will I die, I wonder? God's got good plans for me while I am here, and I want to go on an adventure with him to find them. Being safe is kinda boring.
I just want to feel free. I want to be in love. Madly in love. Is that so much to ask for? I'm trying not to expect and just live. I need to live with hope, though, not self-pity or pessimism. I don't think God is discouraged by my un-married state. My parents may be, but God is not, so why should I dwell on it?
Jesus, lead my life. You say that if I trust you and acknowledge you in all my ways, you will make my paths straight (Prov:3:5-6). Help me not to get wrapped up in the worries of this world so much so that it chokes out my joy or makes me want to give up. Put a spring in my step that would lead me toward a new direction. I pray you'd open a window for me.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
Musty Musty Genie, Babe
Ok so the first part of this will be a bit silly and ridiculous and light...and maybe towards the end it'll have more substance? That's the plan for now.
First of all, this video is ridiculous and I have to share it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOgALTFzFbQ
What's funny is that after my roomies and I watched this video, we tried to mimick her dance moves. And towards the end she's going "Musty-musty-musty-musty" and swinging her head/hair around in a circle. Maddi did this and the next day her neck was sore. To make it better, she said (jokingly) that she probably has meningitis and in the middle of the cafe at IKEA, Maegan goes, "Get out of here with your meningigits." Hope no one got fearful.
Man, IKEA is insane!! It's so cool, but it can also be stressful and it takes forever to get through the store because I like to look at EVERYTHING. It's a huge realm of possibilities. I ended up with a few random kitchen knick-knacks and a cool lamp for my nightstand. I'm Swedish, therefore I like IKEA! And it's so cheap...well most of it. My favorite sections were the lighting and the kitchen showrooms. Their bedding was not impressive...didn't find any pillows for our living room/my room like I'd hoped. Maybe someday I'll get to go to Sweden!
So I love my roomies: Maddi, Maegan and Chelsy. We have a ton of fun. It's been a nightmare only b/c of all the problems we've had with the house: Alarm system not working/beeping incessantly, almost 2 weeks without hot water, Maegan's sink falling off the wall causing a flood in our house, all the dehumidifiers frying a circuit and starting a snall electrical fire in our attic...ya you get a mild picture I'm sure.
Our living room is completely blocked off with plastic today and I have no idea what's going on in there. I think they're replacing part of the ceiling (the flood came down through Maegan's upstairs room into the living room and caused water damage to the ceiling and carpet). So we've had service-people of all sorts at our house for over a week now. But Maeg's finally back in her room and has electricity again. Now lifegroup this week...ya we need another location.
Maeg's starting Elevate tonight! I'm so excited for her. I think it's neat she started a blog. I started this one for the purpose of having a memory of what went on in Elevate...but as you can see now, it's just a life blog now that Elevate is over.
I've been thinking that since Elevate has been over, it's been awesome to have free time. I've stopped semi-neglecting my family and friends, and have had more time to be intentional and thoughtful (as I prefer to be). I've been able to do fun things like sailing, going to the gym, riding bikes, cooking, eating out with friends, watching movies, reading, decorating our house, having people over, etc.
Some things I still want/need to do are paint, get more organized, get curtains for my room, re-work a budget, study for the GRE/research grad schools, go to the river (possibly very soon!), shop at Laverty's, go to a concert (possibly Sufjan Stevens in October?), and play my guitar.
Ah so many things to enjoy in life! A glass of wine. Watching the food network (what I'm currently doing). A good cup of coffee. The first refreshing breath of fall after this dreadfully hot summer (For this, I can't wait!). Making smoothies instead of buying them from Jamba. Homemade pizza with salad and a chocolatey dessert. An evening walk (maybe one day with a puppy, but for now a friend is better!). A good healthy sweat and vitamin D from being outside. Getting into good music like Vampire Weekend, Phoenix, Ray LaMontagne, Mutemath, etc. Pandora on my Iphone makes work so much more enjoyable. :)
Life is sweet. Jesus is even sweeter...and the best part is that will always be constant. His nature is unchanging and he's always good!
Oh! That reminds me, this song rocks, especially the lyrics. When I listen to it at work, I about lose it! I wanna burst out in song and raise my hands up to God...but I don't lol:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=au3EGgISYMc&feature=av2e
FOREVER REIGN lyrics
You are good, You are good
When there's nothing good in me
You are love, You are love
On display for all to see
You are light, You are light
When the darkness closes in
You are hope, You are hope
You have covered all my sin
You are peace, You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true, You are true
Even in my wandering
You are joy, You are joy
You're the reason that I sing
You are life, You are life,
In You death has lost it's sting
Oh, I’m running to Your arms,
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign
You are more, You are more
Than my words will ever say
You are Lord, You are Lord
All creation will proclaim
You are here, You are here
In Your presence I'm made whole
You are God, You are God
Of all else I'm letting go
Oh, I’m running to Your arms
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign
My heart will sing
no other Name
Jesus, Jesus
Oh, I’m running to Your arms
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign
First of all, this video is ridiculous and I have to share it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOgALTFzFbQ
What's funny is that after my roomies and I watched this video, we tried to mimick her dance moves. And towards the end she's going "Musty-musty-musty-musty" and swinging her head/hair around in a circle. Maddi did this and the next day her neck was sore. To make it better, she said (jokingly) that she probably has meningitis and in the middle of the cafe at IKEA, Maegan goes, "Get out of here with your meningigits." Hope no one got fearful.
Man, IKEA is insane!! It's so cool, but it can also be stressful and it takes forever to get through the store because I like to look at EVERYTHING. It's a huge realm of possibilities. I ended up with a few random kitchen knick-knacks and a cool lamp for my nightstand. I'm Swedish, therefore I like IKEA! And it's so cheap...well most of it. My favorite sections were the lighting and the kitchen showrooms. Their bedding was not impressive...didn't find any pillows for our living room/my room like I'd hoped. Maybe someday I'll get to go to Sweden!
So I love my roomies: Maddi, Maegan and Chelsy. We have a ton of fun. It's been a nightmare only b/c of all the problems we've had with the house: Alarm system not working/beeping incessantly, almost 2 weeks without hot water, Maegan's sink falling off the wall causing a flood in our house, all the dehumidifiers frying a circuit and starting a snall electrical fire in our attic...ya you get a mild picture I'm sure.
Our living room is completely blocked off with plastic today and I have no idea what's going on in there. I think they're replacing part of the ceiling (the flood came down through Maegan's upstairs room into the living room and caused water damage to the ceiling and carpet). So we've had service-people of all sorts at our house for over a week now. But Maeg's finally back in her room and has electricity again. Now lifegroup this week...ya we need another location.
Maeg's starting Elevate tonight! I'm so excited for her. I think it's neat she started a blog. I started this one for the purpose of having a memory of what went on in Elevate...but as you can see now, it's just a life blog now that Elevate is over.
I've been thinking that since Elevate has been over, it's been awesome to have free time. I've stopped semi-neglecting my family and friends, and have had more time to be intentional and thoughtful (as I prefer to be). I've been able to do fun things like sailing, going to the gym, riding bikes, cooking, eating out with friends, watching movies, reading, decorating our house, having people over, etc.
Some things I still want/need to do are paint, get more organized, get curtains for my room, re-work a budget, study for the GRE/research grad schools, go to the river (possibly very soon!), shop at Laverty's, go to a concert (possibly Sufjan Stevens in October?), and play my guitar.
Ah so many things to enjoy in life! A glass of wine. Watching the food network (what I'm currently doing). A good cup of coffee. The first refreshing breath of fall after this dreadfully hot summer (For this, I can't wait!). Making smoothies instead of buying them from Jamba. Homemade pizza with salad and a chocolatey dessert. An evening walk (maybe one day with a puppy, but for now a friend is better!). A good healthy sweat and vitamin D from being outside. Getting into good music like Vampire Weekend, Phoenix, Ray LaMontagne, Mutemath, etc. Pandora on my Iphone makes work so much more enjoyable. :)
Life is sweet. Jesus is even sweeter...and the best part is that will always be constant. His nature is unchanging and he's always good!
Oh! That reminds me, this song rocks, especially the lyrics. When I listen to it at work, I about lose it! I wanna burst out in song and raise my hands up to God...but I don't lol:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=au3EGgISYMc&feature=av2e
FOREVER REIGN lyrics
You are good, You are good
When there's nothing good in me
You are love, You are love
On display for all to see
You are light, You are light
When the darkness closes in
You are hope, You are hope
You have covered all my sin
You are peace, You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true, You are true
Even in my wandering
You are joy, You are joy
You're the reason that I sing
You are life, You are life,
In You death has lost it's sting
Oh, I’m running to Your arms,
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign
You are more, You are more
Than my words will ever say
You are Lord, You are Lord
All creation will proclaim
You are here, You are here
In Your presence I'm made whole
You are God, You are God
Of all else I'm letting go
Oh, I’m running to Your arms
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign
My heart will sing
no other Name
Jesus, Jesus
Oh, I’m running to Your arms
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Gifts
"A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, "Look, he was thinking of me," or "She remembered me." You must be thinking of someone to give him a gift. The gift itself is a symbol of that thought. It doesn't matter whether it costs money. What is important is that you thought of him. And it is not the thought implanted only in the mind that counts, but the thought expressed in actually securing the gift and giving it as the expression of love." (from The Five Love Languages)
Saturday, May 22, 2010
No Greater Thing
Knowing You, Jesus, Knowing You
There is no Greater Thing
You're My All, You're the Best
You're My Joy, My Righteousness,
And I Love You Lord!
Emboss that on my heart, God! I want to know you as my all. I want to truly believe there is nothing more satisfying, nothing that is better in life than being in close fellowship with you.
I break off the lie that people don't need you in this generation. That people are living content lives without you. You made us to know you. You came to give us abundant life...and if we don't know you but have a lot of cool friends, possessions, and education...we are missing it!
I resist your love no more, God. Come and rush over me. I get low and open my soul to receive this love that covers me like a warm blanket. I lay down my pride and "right" to live how I want to live with no regard to whether or not it pleases you. I also lay down my tendency to try to live for other people...to please people. It is your approval and affirmation I seek. Once I have that, I'm good! I can be more free to not care what others think if I have run it by you first. It's okay if people don't like me. It's ok. It really is. That's hard to really mean, but ultimately bringing you glory is more important, more lasting that someone's temporary praise.
Oh so thank you so much for all who donated to my Indo trip! I have raised the $3100. I am so thankful and blessed. I had a lot of fun making/selling jewelry for the trip too. It was super time consuming making it all, but of course, it's something I love doing. It was neat too that God spoke to me often about how I am hand-made, how he put in the time and effort to make me beautiful and unique. He fashioned me and said "She is good!" When I get my next chunk of free time, I am gonna put some of my jewelry that I still have on sale at etsy.com. I will update you when I do!
Peace!
There is no Greater Thing
You're My All, You're the Best
You're My Joy, My Righteousness,
And I Love You Lord!
Emboss that on my heart, God! I want to know you as my all. I want to truly believe there is nothing more satisfying, nothing that is better in life than being in close fellowship with you.
I break off the lie that people don't need you in this generation. That people are living content lives without you. You made us to know you. You came to give us abundant life...and if we don't know you but have a lot of cool friends, possessions, and education...we are missing it!
I resist your love no more, God. Come and rush over me. I get low and open my soul to receive this love that covers me like a warm blanket. I lay down my pride and "right" to live how I want to live with no regard to whether or not it pleases you. I also lay down my tendency to try to live for other people...to please people. It is your approval and affirmation I seek. Once I have that, I'm good! I can be more free to not care what others think if I have run it by you first. It's okay if people don't like me. It's ok. It really is. That's hard to really mean, but ultimately bringing you glory is more important, more lasting that someone's temporary praise.
Oh so thank you so much for all who donated to my Indo trip! I have raised the $3100. I am so thankful and blessed. I had a lot of fun making/selling jewelry for the trip too. It was super time consuming making it all, but of course, it's something I love doing. It was neat too that God spoke to me often about how I am hand-made, how he put in the time and effort to make me beautiful and unique. He fashioned me and said "She is good!" When I get my next chunk of free time, I am gonna put some of my jewelry that I still have on sale at etsy.com. I will update you when I do!
Peace!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
SWELL
Lord,
May you swell up,
May you well up inside me
Making me uncomfortable
Because growing is hard
But what's my alternative?
I don't want to be stunted
For the sake of the familiar
Enough of me, enough of me
You must increase,
I must decrease.
Help me sort it all out,
You are the one with all the answers.
May you swell up,
May you well up inside me
Making me uncomfortable
Because growing is hard
But what's my alternative?
I don't want to be stunted
For the sake of the familiar
Enough of me, enough of me
You must increase,
I must decrease.
Help me sort it all out,
You are the one with all the answers.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Wardrobe
“To give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.” - Isaiah 61:3
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